“One should contemplate simultaneously on the entire universe or on one’s own body filled with the bliss of the self.” ~ Vijnana Bhairava Tantra There is nothing more beautiful then the new buds of a flower – so pure and full of potential. Then it pops and the flower is so stunning – absolutely perfect. In time, the petals fall and it is also so elegant and pure. There is nothing more perfect than change. This is an example of a teaching I use to talk about the qualities of the mind and the way in which we align our comforts and discomforts. When I sit and begin to write, there is this open source creative process that I think of as a calling. For instance, I let thoughts, words, feelings, images come to me. A simple version of that would include a list like this: Spring – new beginning, changes, sky, seasons, seeing delight in all things. From here, I would call upon experience, inspiring quotes or things that I have been through and try to explain what “sky” and “delight in all things” have to do with one another.
The more I look at this word “Spring”, the more I have to reflect on my changes and where I have been. It’s hard to carve out something new when the old is concealed - Spring comes with cleaning. It allows for the new. I am preparing to embrace, like all humans, the freedom of removing struggle.
I know that all life struggles, most of life struggles even to be born - the process overall involves pressure and stress. It’s funny that we avoid something full of pressure and stress, even though we have such great joy (I’ve often noticed) when the struggle concludes and reveals pure change. Certainly here we could get into the balance of light and dark. Or even into purification and protection.
Romance. Why did I just write that? My response to light and dark is blood. Blood to me is the living. It’s that which is not light or dark, but the living now. I struggle with this, especially as I walked away from the person whom I set to walk beside. It was not out of light or dark or really anything other than life - the pressure and tension and how it pushed on me. It made me unclear. I know it made her unclear as well. And still there are unclear feelings and sensations that make me question not my depth or expertise, but the ability to hold something other than myself or my daughter. That’s why I write romance. Not in the way you are thinking, but romancing your own self and seeing what moves your blood. That feeling, that is beyond light and dark.
When I leave my daughter for a trip or drop her at her mom’s house, I tell her she’s my best buddy and the best thing that ever happened to me. In reality, she is! In reality, life is! I watch her changes, the way she plays, the development in her thought, art, care and compassion for things. I see that in her mother as well and in the world around me and still I work on finding that romance in myself. It’s so curious when we turn our attention in.
Earlier, I wrote a simple list. One thought included seeing delight in all things. For that, I’ve been using the word “allow” often. It has been a true ally to me - allow the practice to reveal its power or depth to me. Allow me to receive it. Allow me time and the ability to process. Allow for the self-romance to come back into my life. With all of those thoughts, I have to allow myself some more time. Allow my faults to not define me. Allow grace to come in all forms. I am human and am moving slowly. I am dedicated to my practices and to supporting all those invested in the teachings that have been shared with me and the ones that I have bent into new places - all of that is unchangeable. As I stir the blood, see delight in new things, push my face into the uncharted, the changes appear wide - for they are tension and force awaiting some form, something to be called on and perhaps delighted in.